I had a very emotional and unexpected weekend. I debated how I was going to approach it on my blog. Was I going to ignore it? Brush it under the carpet and act like it never happened? No, but what happened was very personal. I broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years, and so I feel obliged to keep much of this break up private to respect what we had. I’ve never had a break up before. And it hurts so much, especially after that length of time.
As I’ve said, I want this to remain private but at the same time I feel like there are certain things that I do want to say about it here. My blog has been a place for me to come and pour my feelings out to for almost a year now, so I imagine that I will end up mentioning how I’m feeling about my new relationship status from time to time.
I also want to honour our relationship and what we had for the last time here, it gives me so much pleasure to know that it ended on ‘good terms.’ At the end of the day, I’ve still got a lot of love in my heart for Gary and no matter what happens to us now, (which I hope and pray will be to remain close friends) I’m always going to have a place for him in my heart as he was the first person I’ve ever loved. I will cherish the memories we had, so dearly.
What I’ve learnt in life is that love, friendships and relationships are far, far from simple. Even when people aren’t complicated, life soars in and complicates things. And the love you have for someone, although its there its not always right or enough for you in the end.
I am a complete, emotional wreck at the moment. Night times are the worst because I have the most time to think about things. I lie in bed feeling numb and lonely. In the early hours of Sunday morning I woke up in tears and my mum has stayed in bed with me since to keep me company. You’re never too old to have your mum cuddle you to sleep at night I think.
Everything makes me want to cry right now, just the silliest laughable things are making me well up. Like we had to pop to Tesco to buy some milk yesterday and as we passed the bread isle I saw a packet of wraps, and it made me cry because I know it was one of our favourite meals to share together and now that won’t be the same anymore Its so silly because only Gary would actually understand how much wraps meant.
And so, where do I go now? I think the heartache is going to feel quite raw for a while yet, and I’ve never been someone who can move on quickly. I want to take all the time I need and actually, spend a while being on my own. x