Hello! Its been a gorgeous Wednesday today but the mood in our family didn’t meet the same standard unfortunately. Let’s just say its a stressful time in our household to say the least right now.
Its was a beautiful evening and I spent the majority of it in this position sulking:
I know I should have been outdoors making the most of the September heat wave, but it really was one of those days today
Do I want to go into details about it on my blog? That’s the question.
No. No is my initial answer.
My blog seems to be the only place where I can actually get away from the reality of my family life. On here I can pretend that it doesn’t even exist. I know that most families have their problems, and a lot of people must have it far worse than we do, but you can’t help but let it get to you sometimes. Today was obviously one of those times where I let it get to me.
As I sit here typing away at my laptop I know it isn’t even possible to capture this fragment of my life and present it on my blog. However, blogging has become like a glorified diary for me, its a personal space for me to express myself and lately I feel like I’m pouring myself into it.
Its like this, if you imagine you’re making yourself a glass of orange squash. You’ve got about a quarter of the cup filled with squash and you slowly add the water. The more water you add the more diluted the squash becomes. The outcome of adding the water is to get more drink but if you think about it, you’re getting less squash. I hope my blog isn’t becoming like a glass of orange squash.
I pour all of the sweet and nice things into my blog. I write about all of the things I love and make me happy – because after all these are the things that get me through – but mainly because on my blog I can hide my problems behind these things. Whereas in reality I can’t.
Also, what a dreary and depressing blog it would make if all I wrote about were my issues.
I want to talk about what is good in my life.
And today I will share the not so good aspect of my life.
The burden of two sick grandparents. One is currently in a hospital bed. He has a severe case of Parkinson’s disease. He can’t do anything without assistance. He doesn’t make a lot of sense, but he still knows who we are just about. The other one is living at home. She can’t remember something you told her two minutes ago. You have to write important things down for her. She still forgets. She has no concept of the real world. She knows who we are, but again, only just.
I can’t even begin to explain the strain this has on my parents. At the moment they are all over the place trying to hold everything together. Its impossible to hold this all together though.
That is the not so good aspect of my life. The knowledge that probably in the near future we will end up having to move in with them to be their carers. To move. To change our life. To turn our world upside down. Its scary.
So today, we tried to spend one day as a family. One day to try and ‘
get away from it.’ It went tits up if you haven’t already guessed. Mum, Dad and myself all have a lot on our minds. It doesn’t help that we seem to be down each other’s throats all of the time lately.
Dad and I were parked up in the car and we made a coffee from a flask. I put my coffee down in a snug little spot in between the passenger and driver seat and told my Dad to be careful.
Two minutes later he’s trailing off onto the subject of how my Nan is getting on, and what does he do? He knocks my coffee flying. The hot coffee misses my legs (I was sitting in the back seat) but goes all over the side of my Fossil Handbag, on the car seat and the floor.
All hell breaks loose at this point. There was a lot of shouting. A lot of swearing. A lot of slamming things around. And a lot of tears on my account. Obviously I needed to let it all out today. This is going to sound melodramatic, but sometimes when I start crying I can’t stop.
Hearing your Dad say that he hates his life is difficult to digest. Even though I can imagine that he does hate it, I was still a little bit stung. What about Mum? What about me? I wanted to say.
It was just the heat of the moment.
I don’t want to go into anymore detail because I feel tired by it all (even though it hasn’t even begun.) Perhaps I will be more open about my family’s burden on my blog though. The occasional update on how things are going and stuff..
I want to end this post on a high, because that is what my blog is all about. Life is too short to be miserable.
Things that made me happy today:
An 8.30am Pilates class.
Cruising with the roof off the car.
Vanilla shake from Nero’s.
Browsing a Cath Kidston store.
Most importantly, knowing he is there supporting me all the way.
Watching cute pug videos on Youtube like this one
Sorry for such a long post today. But it feels good to get it off my chest. I have a long weekend this week so I’m going to make the most of it and try to enjoy myself x